Ah, the early days of a fledgling relationship. You are so into her, learning all about each other. You look forward to seeing each other and miss one another when you’re apart. You sent romantic texts and snuggle on the couch watching movies. She is always on your mind and you get a nice warm feeling just thinking about her. All of these things are what’s wonderful about the early days of a relationship. These, and blowjobs.
It’s not often that I develop a theory on anything, let alone one that I think is pretty solid, but I’m proud of this one because I think it’s right on the money. It goes like this:
I’ve noticed that in the last several years, there has been a Lube Explosion. It occurred to me: “Jeez, look at all the different brands of lube all of a sudden!” Not too long ago, you had KY and Astroglide and that’s it. Otherwise you’d maybe use Vaseline if you were discount.
Remember the fitness craze of the 80’s?
No, of course you don’t. You’re too young. Trust me though, there was a fitness craze and everyone was doing aerobics and jazzercizing and jogging and generally doing anything they could to make themselves look fit and trim.
We’re still in the thick of summer and there’s plenty of time and warm weather left to appreciate the fine summer fashions of some of the lovely ladies walking around.
Turtle: a reptile known for its hard shell, slow movement and gentle demeanour.
Fox: a raven-haired, wicked female with a sexy figure and a naughty-girl persona.
“The Flintbones”. “Edward Penishands”. “Pulp Friction”. These are just but a few examples of entries in the very popular subgenre of porn called Porn Parodies.
It happens even in the best relationships. Out of nowhere, you suddenly find yourself in a rut, going days or even weeks with unsatisfying or even non-existent sex. I don’t have any official statistical data to go by, but in cases like these I would estimate that in the majority of cases, it’s the female in the couple that is the one most often not in the mood.
How many times has this happened to you: you’re having sex with a woman, and as you are pounding away several thoughts cross your mind, such as “Gee, I wonder how many calories I am burning with all this fucking.”, and “I wonder how many times I’ve thrusted my dick into her just now.”, and “Man, I wish I could have an accurate tally of both so I could share the results with all my friends and family on social media.” If this sounds like you, good news.
Don’t get me wrong, I love a nice pair of big boobs too. No no, I LOVE them. And for that matter, I love all boobs. What’s not to love? But I consider myself proudly and wholeheartedly pro-small boob. It’s just my preference. And I am a little tired of big tits getting all the attention. It’s time to spread some small boobs love.
This week, pretty pirate and effervescent elf Orlando Bloom lived out the dream of anyone with any sense by throwing a punch at celebrated shithead Justin Bieber. Surprisingly, the reason was not for Bieber’s crimes against humanity’s ears, but…*gasp*…because of a woman. An incredibly hot woman, as it turns out: the lovely, talented and lovely (can’t over emphasize her lovliness) Miranda Kerr.